A Puffy Face on a Walking Cadaver
Like I have said before, this disease may be found walking the sterile halls of hospitals, dressed up in a freshly pressed white jacket, or in nursing scrubs taking care of your grandmother or baby girl. My dear colleague of many years shares her story back from the gates of hell. As dark as it may seem, there is always hope.
I actually don’t even believe in the devil, but if I did, it
might be the disease of addiction. The
disease of addiction sucked the soul out of me and brought me to my own
personal hell. I was obsessed and I mean
obsessed with drugs and alcohol. I did
and would have done anything for them.
Have you lived in a personal hell?
Well, here is a look into what mine was.
The days I had to go to work as a RN at a great hospital
across the street I would wake up at 5am and check my stash of stolen pills in
my closet, lots and lots of opiates and maybe even some Adderall. Knowing I was going to work to steal more, I
would take 5 or more to get the day going.
I would then sit on the couch and try to cover my fat, puffy and sweaty
face with makeup while watching the news.
Then I would say goodbye to my husband and son and skip across the
street to steal drugs for 8 hours. The
minute I got to work my face would be dripping sweat from the walk and from
drinking the bottle of tequila and a six pack the day before. I would then get my patients and scan the medication
administration records to check all the narcotics that I would get to steal and
ingest that day. For 8 hours I would be
such a great nurse while behind your back a huge drug thief. I was a walking, breathing façade.
When the work day was over and my belly was full of pills
and my pockets had at least enough pills to get me through a couple of days I
would walk home. The minute I walked in
the door tequila was now on the menu, not just tequila, but a lot of tequila
and beer to wash it down. A shower with
a beer and tequila, now that’s romance.
Then maybe some food and then pass out like about six o’clock. Then the urinating started. I was so drunk I did not know or care where
the bathroom was so I would urinate anywhere.
Some nights I would wake up at midnight and drink more while watching
TV. Then wake up and do it all again. On my days off the only difference was I didn’t
go to work and started drinking earlier.
Sick, empty, sad, liar, thief, bad person, obsessed, weak
and mostly scared. Some of these were true;
some were not, but inside I felt like the worst person. How could me, a nurse, steal drugs? I was in hell and told no one. I did not drive anywhere or even leave my
house except to go to work. I made
excuses to do anything because it might bet in the way of my drinking. I didn’t know how to get out of it, or even
if I wanted out, I didn’t think I could live without alcohol or drugs. I had become a full blown drug addict and
alcoholic and I would have stolen from anyone to get those damn pills.
How had this happened to me?
How had I become this empty person?
I had a young son and great husband, and a great career. I was healthy, I was happy, I was
blessed. I stopped laughing, smiling
interacting, enjoying and living. I was
literally dead inside, I didn’t want to die but I don’t think I cared if I
did. I was so miserable and didn’t think
I could tell anyone the truth.
How can I tell someone that I am a thief and drug addict and
drunk? I sure didn’t know how. What if that person wanted me to stop
drinking and drugging? Well that would
be way too scary for me. I hate change
even at that time positive change. Just
everyone leave me alone with my drugs and drink and I will make it through
somehow. Please just let me slowly take everything
I have for granted, sit on the cough buzzed out of my mind and slowly die from
this disease.
Well thank you universe that didn’t happen, I got caught!
Looking back, getting caught was the best thing ever, but
not at the time. I was not even
beginning to want to be honest. So I
lied the whole time they were shoving me out the door of my dream job that paid
very well. Goodbye drugs, goodbye
income. Now what? Anxiety, tears and denial. Just tell everyone you have a drinking
problem and the hospital thought it was drugs and got it all wrong. Somehow I will lie and manipulate my way out
of this. Doesn’t everyone know that I
need those narcotics? I can go buy
alcohol at the store but I am desperate to get those narcotics and I mean desperate.
I knew I was going to get a letter from the BRN so I waited
in misery. I stole drugs from people I
knew and tried to sweet talk my MD into giving me tramadol. Still so closed off to change. Then the letter, ten days to decide, 3-5
years drug testing, sobriety and meetings; hell no. I was not going to do that; I will work at
Denny’s and be free of anyone and all your rules. I already went to nursing school, I am not
going to do this program to save anything, I could care less.
Then my step mom gave me a number of a girl in diversion with
a DUI. Fine, I will talk to her, just
talk. Well she told me the nitty gritty
about the program, the truth. Then she
said she was happy. Fine, I’ll try it.
Well with everything you guys made me do and with patience I
am a whole new person. I am me again.
Each step I took was so scary but I ended up loving it. Sitting in outpatient I remembered that I was
not a big bag of shit, that I was sick.
I left after 3 months and started feeling special again. I started telling people slowly, very slowly
that I was a drug thief. No one laughed
at me or kicked me out. People liked
me. I found this special AA meeting
outside at a park and went a lot and you were right, it worked. I started to learn how to live again and love
again. I started slowly driving and even
staying up past six at night. I started
laughing again, everything seemed so much more colorful and I enjoyed life
again. What was happening to me? I started reaching out, doing the steps,
thinking about other people, going to the store, smiling, visiting people and
telling the truth. I made friends, a lot
of friends. I got into contact with my
old friends, my husband and I stopped fighting, my son was blooming, I was
living again. I was proud of
myself. I loved life. I was happy.
I started chairing meetings, got a coffee commitment, anything to not go
back. How could I have gotten so lucky
to have this second chance?
Today I live again. I
smile, share, laugh, love, drive, shop, work, play and enjoy. Today I tell the truth. The truth set me free. I am no longer scared and I am here to help.
How can I help others?
By telling my truth. People told
me not to hell the BRN about stealing drugs, just tell them about being an
alcoholic, cause that’s more acceptable in society. Well guess what everybody, I don’t give a
shit and I don’t lie anymore. I am an ex
drug thief and I am proud I have changed.
150 people die every day in America cause opiates and I can’t
talk about it? Well I am! I am here to tell the truth. I am not going to live in shame anymore. I am here now to talk and share. I saved my life and have been recovered back
to the old me. If you want to know where
I have been I will tell you, if not, well that’s cool as well. I am no longer scared to say drug addict and
alcoholic. Saying those words out loud
saved my life. The BRN helped save my
life. An open mind saved my life. AA helped save my life. My Dad’s last pep talk saved my life. I am honored to be a part of a group of
people who wanted to change for the better and are making it happen one day at
a time.
Feel free to please leave a comment for the author. Leave your email if you would like her to get back with you.
Thanks
Steve